Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
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Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
This story is comedy gold 😂
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
how high up are we talkin’?
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.