My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
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I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?