Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
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me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.