Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
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me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
i think we should see other cousins
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
happy friday