unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
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Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Running from your problems is cardio .
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
A flock of dads is called a grill.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
I love the National Park Service.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked