having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
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me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Ferrari squats
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.