[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
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Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Where is your GOD now????
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…