Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
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sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
the official breakfast of 2021
notice
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting