Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
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Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Velcrow
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.