Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
![]()
You Might Also Like
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
![]()
![]()
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”