Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
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Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?