If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
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Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest