I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
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I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer