So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
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my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.