@chillandwoke

So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer

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@LeonEarlgrey

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.

@Jake_Vig

ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…

SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.

@Dawn_M_

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

@cheeky__gal

I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.

@ericsshadow

The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open

@awescar

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

@DaddyJew

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense