Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
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ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense