My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
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being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?