We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
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There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.