Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.

I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”

how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????

Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks

Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks

I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless

“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat

NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.

GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.

Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.

14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked

Me:

went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw

I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.

Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.

*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3

*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!

My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “

My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit

Friend: Are you free this weekend?

Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse

“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder

I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.

Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.

Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

[first date]

date: i’m an optimist

me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before

at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.

Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”