Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
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toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
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My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Name this drama.
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Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings