Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
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Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
I feel it
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave