the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
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Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.