There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
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When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down