Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7

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Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.


Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…


Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.


Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.


Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.


“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”

The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery


Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.


I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.


My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks