@danjperlman

Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7

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@Home_Halfway

Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.

@ambamthankyamam

Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…

@timdonakowski

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

@wolfevanmural

Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.

@junejuly12

Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.

@SortaBad

“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”

The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery

@WilliamAder

Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.

@KateWhineHall

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.

@WifeEyeSignal

My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks