Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
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cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands