My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
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captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
#TopTip
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks