Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
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Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Unexpected Judgment
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Sign at work today
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.