I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
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Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Spotted in New Orleans.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.