Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
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Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born