the chicken was already gone when I got here
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
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Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.