@AngieDavisHaha

Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?

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@ColorMeScradd

Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…

@suecorvette

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

@MeepisMurder

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

@juicymorsel

Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.

@samalmightysam

You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……

@weinerdog4life

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

@MumInBits

At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.