It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
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Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?