ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
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[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter