According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
You Might Also Like
This is a whole mood;
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.