you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
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Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
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Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*