you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
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Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
how do y’all walk in shallow water