Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
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I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.