Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
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Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew