One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
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Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I unironically love this joke.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month