Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
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*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good