[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
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When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.