Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
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Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
When can I start eating bats again.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?