@david8hughes

Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise

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@zachary_lampley

Therapist: So what’s the problem?

Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.

Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.

*lowers foot that was raised*

@BobTheSuit

Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.

@brynnester

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

@shutupmikeginn

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

@thepunningman

Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi

@TheCatWhisprer

Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.

@chimneyspotter

ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best

@XplodingUnicorn

Maybe there is no baby

I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams

Now I’m hungry.

@KateQFunny

Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.

Me: You could stop cutting.