Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise![]()
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Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
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Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
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Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
i wish i could marry a nap
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion