Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise

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Therapist: So what’s the problem?

Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.

Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.

*lowers foot that was raised*


Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.


Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now


I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.


Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi


Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.


ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best


Maybe there is no baby

I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams

Now I’m hungry.


Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.

Me: You could stop cutting.