me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
You Might Also Like
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants