Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
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What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.