My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
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A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen