Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
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Finally! 😈
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
In case you needed to hear it:
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses