I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
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please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet