@SlabBaconBP I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
@UnFitz [speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
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@SlabBaconBP @UnFitz Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
@blade_funner Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
@justinmilleresq Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
@kingofcreame what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
@stevevsninjas Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
@beefman138 A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
@BruceForce Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
@kevinseccia “What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.