@UnFitz

[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.

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@SlabBaconBP

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.

@UnFitz

Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”

@justinmilleresq

Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend

@kingofcreame

what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs

@

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

@stevevsninjas

Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this

@beefman138

A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.

@BruceForce

Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions

@kevinseccia

“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.