[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
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Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
real
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)