he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
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Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD