*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
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Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
You sure about that?
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol