[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
You Might Also Like
💯😂
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.