Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
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It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.