I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
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What’s a Messi?
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
best review i’ve ever seen
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards