The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
You Might Also Like
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Awwwww shit.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.