Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
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“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.