If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
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[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO