There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
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One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
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If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina