No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
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My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
men, we mow at sunrise.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.