I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
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Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.