I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

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I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.


Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed


I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.


“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.


If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.


Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.


I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.


One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.


Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter


Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.