@petemandik

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

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@JoParkerBear

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

@Skoog

Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed

@robyn_vo

I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.

@AngryRaccoon2

“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.

@Jake_Vig

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

@wildethingy

Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.

@maebemarbles

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

@noog

One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.

@Marlebean

Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter

@theguydf

Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.